definella's sanctuary

♫ I'm happy...
I'm feeling glad..
I got sunshine... ♫
ang saya ko talaga kaninang umaga.. iiieeehh.



lagi kami nagkakatabi sa jeep pagpasok ng trabaho, pero kanina lang niya ko kinibo. kahapon lang, nagkahiwalay pa kami kasi sumingit si manong sa gitna namin, pero ngayon bawing-bawi na ako. quotang quota na! woooh..
medyo mahaba haba din napagkwentuhan namin, nagsimula lang sa...

"ang aga nating dalawa ngayon ah"

pareho kasi kami nag-aantay ng jeep nung time na yun.. around 5am. gaya ng sabi ko, lagi kami nagkakasabay sa pagpasok sa trabaho. tas ayun na nga, todo smile naman ako nung kausapin niya ko, sabi ko sa sarili ko, "yes napansin rin ako" tapos naman, sa sobrang saya ko.. "Oo nga" lang nasagot ko. grrh, sabi ko 'patay na, end of conversation agad to' ang tipid ng sagot ko.


pero hindi...


buti na lang may follow up question siya. at dun na nagsimula ang kwentuhan namin habang nag-aantay ng 1st trip na jeep. napag usapan din namin yung day-off bukas. wala siya pasok pero ako meron, di pa kasi ako nakaka 1month sa work kaya di pa ako makakasabay sa day-off bukas.. (wawa naman ako)

ngayon, naalala ko.. di ko siya makakasabay bukas sa pagpasok sa work. then sa monday, iba na shift ko, di ko na siya makakasabay... hala, kelan na ulet?

Hi Mommy!
Sunday, July 11, 2010 at 1:16pm

Hi, Mommy. I'm your baby. You don't know me yet, I'm only a few
weeks old. You're going to find out about me soon, though, I promise.
Let me tell you some things about me. My name is John, and I've got
beautiful brown eyes and black hair. Well, I don't have it yet, but I
will when I'm born. I'm going to be your only child, and you'll call me
your one and only. I'm going to grow up without a daddy mostly, but we
have each other. We'll help each other, and love each other. I want to
be a doctor when I grow up.



You found out about me today, Mommy! You were so excited, you couldn't
wait to tell everyone. All you could do all day was smile, and life was
perfect. You have a beautiful smile, Mommy. It will be the first face I
will see in my life, and it will be the best thing I see in my life. I
know it already.



Today was the day you told Daddy. You were so excited to tell him about
me! ...He wasn't happy, Mommy. He kind of got angry. I don't think that
you noticed, but he did. He started to talk about something called
wedlock, and money, and bills, and stuff I don't think I understand
yet. You were still happy, though, so it was okay. Then he did
something scary, Mommy. He hit you. I could feel you fall backward, and
your hands flying up to protect me. I was okay... but I was very sad
for you. You were crying then, Mommy. That's a sound I don't like. It
doesn't make me feel good. It made me cry, too. He said sorry after,
and he hugged you again. You forgave him, Mommy, but I'm not sure if I
do. It wasn't right. You say he loves you... why would he hurt you? I
don't like it, Mommy.



Finally, you can see me! Your stomach is a little bit bigger, and
you're so proud of me! You went out with your mommy to buy new clothes,
and you were so so so happy. You sing to me, too. You have the most
beautiful voice in the whole wide world. When you sing is when I'm
happiest. And you talk to me, and I feel safe. So safe. You just wait
and see, Mommy. When I am born I will be perfect just for you. I will
make you proud, and I will love you with all of my heart.



I can move my hands and feet now, Mommy. I do it because you put your
hands on your belly to feel me, and I giggle. You giggle, too. I love
you, Mommy.



Daddy came to see you today, Mommy. I got really scared. He was acting
funny and he wasn't talking right. He said he didn't want you. I don't
know why, but that's what he said. And he hit you again. I got angry,
Mommy. When I grow up I promise I won't let you get hurt! I promise to
protect you. Daddy is bad. I don't care if you think that he is a good
person, I think he's bad. But he hit you, and he said he didn't want
us. He doesn't like me. Why doesn't he like me, Mommy?



You didn't talk to me tonight, Mommy. Is everything okay?



It's been three days since you saw Daddy. You haven't talked to me or
touched me or anything since that. Don't you still love me, Mommy? I
still love you. I think you feel sad. The only time I feel you is when
you sleep. You sleep funny, kind of curled up on your side. And you hug
me with your arms, and I feel safe and warm again. Why don't you do
that when you're awake, any more?



I'm 21 weeks old today, Mommy. Aren't you proud of me? We're going
somewhere today, and it's somewhere new. I'm excited. It looks like a
hospital, too. I want to be a doctor when I grow up, Mommy. Did I tell
you that? I hope you're as excited as I am. I can't wait.



...Mommy, I'm getting scared. Your heart is still beating, but I don't
know what you are thinking. The doctor is talking to you. I think
something's going to happen soon. I'm really, really, really scared,
Mommy. Please tell me you love me. Then I will feel safe again. I love
you!



Mommy, what are they doing to me!? It hurts! Please make them stop! It
feels bad! Please, Mommy, please please help me! Make them stop!



Don't worry Mommy, I'm safe. I'm in heaven with the angels now. They
told me what you did, and they said it's called an abortion.



Why, Mommy? Why did you do it? Don't you love me any more? Why did you
get rid of me? I'm really, really, really sorry if I did something
wrong, Mommy. I love you, Mommy! I love you with all of my heart. Why
don't you love me? What did I do to deserve what they did to me? I want
to live, Mommy! Please! It really, really hurts to see you not care
about me, and not talk to me. Didn't I love you enough? Please say
you'll keep me, Mommy! I want to live smile and watch the clouds and
see your face and grow up and be a doctor. I don't want to be here, I
want you to love me again! I'm really really really sorry if I did
something wrong. I love you!





I love you, Mommy.



Every abortion is just…



One more heart that was stopped.

Two more eyes that will never see.

Two more hands that will never touch.

Two more legs that will never run.

One more mouth that will never speak.




i found it circulating on facebook.. the picture intrigues me, so nakibasa na rin ako. I wasn't done reading the entire letter when i decided to repost it, here.. (ok, now that i've posted it, tatapusin ko na ang pagbabasa.)

isang week rin ako nawala dito sa bahay.. balik pagboboard ulit. kung pwede lang talagang palaging 1st shift ako sa trabaho, di na sana ako magboboard. kaso no choice, every two weeks, nagpapalit ng shift sa trabaho ko. dagdag gastos pa tuloy (bayad sa rent). tapos di na rin ako makapag net araw araw.
tapos na din pala sa wakas yung training namin. employed na ko
ang saya rin nung training namin kahit minsan inaantok ako, gawa ng 2pm to 10 pm ang shift ko. meron na rin pala kaming mga team ngayon. bali, ibi-nase yung name ng mga grupo namin sa product ng client namin. namely McIntosh (red), Braeburn (green), Cortland (blue) at Cameo (pink). and sadly, yung mga nakakilala ko nung start ng training eh hindi ko nakagrupo. pero ngayon, ayos na.. may bago na naman akong nakakilala at nakakaclose ngayon. si Ron at Gina, palagi ko silang kasabay magbreak at magdinner, pati rin pala magwithdraw . team Cortland kami. ewan, pero kung ako papapiliin, mas gusto ko sa McIntosh, haha andun kasi yung "apple of my eye" charrr!!

nakuha ko na rin yung allowance ko sa training. ang saya lang sa feeling kapag kahit papano, nabilhan mo magulang mo ng bagay na galing sa sarili mong bulsa noh? nabilhan ko na si nanay ng promise kong blender, pati yung request niyang rice cooker na may steamer. tapos nag ambag rin ako sa grinocery namin kahapon. thank you talaga Lord sa blessing!

maya maya, i'll be leavin' my home again.. balik boarding house. so, pano ba yan computer, see you next week?